Totally Twisted Talents
by Wren5
Summary: Hogwarts has become boring since Voldemort was defeated two years ago. So, Dumbledore decides to spice things up a bit.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: This is not mine. The characters, setting, and all money involved with the Potterverse belong to JKR, the brilliant mastermind. I'm just, well, borrowing them for my muses.  
  
A/N: This may become a little weird. Heck, a lot weird. To prove this, my beta reader didn't really want me posting it. Let's just say I'm trying to stay out of her way because I have a large enough collection of necklaces already and really don't need to add a knife. *grins* (Please don't be offended, Naseem)  
  
Also, I know the I'm Too Sexy song has been used before. However, I used it in a different manner. Well, I don't want to spoil things for you. Again, please read and review. I would like to know if I got a laugh or if I should go back to writing "serious" fiction.  
  
Oh and indicates thoughts.  
  
Dumbledore stroked his beard, lost in thought not for the first time. Well, they always say the mind is the first to go.Now, I wonder what could be the "new and exciting" thing this year? Not another dance, we've worn out that option. Oh! Of course! His smile stretched a mile, looking like a kid wandering in a candy store full of lemon drops. And they thought Professor Snape's Death Eater secret was bad.  
  
*****  
  
The Great Hall was abuzz with excitement. The only creature in the room besides Mrs. Norris that wasn't ecstatic about the new development was Snape. He sat at the head table, glower even more pronounced than usual, displeasure emanating from his every pore. Dumbledore leaned over and whispered something in the potions master's ear. Impossible though it had seemed, his face grew more thunderous. He turned and replied in kind. The only thing audible was a string of S's, so like a serpent's hisses. It was obvious to all those observing, that he was extremely angry. Fortunately, there was only one person watching at that moment.  
  
*****  
  
"An all-inclusive talent show? Are you insane, Albus? Or do you just have an early death wish? If the look on Snape's face was any indication, you'll be getting one whether you desire it or not! Heck, I'm tempted myself!"  
  
"Now, Hermione, I think this is exactly what these children need. They have been bored to death with lectures for long enough, especially the seventh years. Unless you're forgetting what it was like that year for you? No reprieve from studying for NEWTs unless you were ordered to? They deserve a break. Plus, aren't you a bit curious as to what hidden talents the students AND faculty have?"  
  
Hermione Granger shivered at the thought of Minerva walking onto stage and performing a strip tease. Oh God! Don't think like that, girl! You'll end up as barmy as Dumbledore! Maybe that IS the reason why he's insane. Ugh! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!  
  
"Besides, I know how hard you've been working with your classes. Teaching Muggle Studies to apathetic pureblooded students must be taxing. Take some time off and work on your own special talent. Three weeks is certainly enough time to hone your skill. Now, my dear, if you'll excuse me, I need to go work on my own entry."  
  
Hermione left, still shaken by her mental image.  
  
*****  
  
The next three weeks were hell. Professor Snape was more of an asshole than ever before, dealing out detentions and point deductions without discrimination. Everyone learned to stay out of his way if they wished to retain their freedom for the night. Thankfully, Hermione had no reason to fear him, since she was no longer a student. Besides, her classes were on the opposite end of the school. Well, normally. The castle hallways tended to change.  
  
Of course, the weekly staff meetings were nearly enough to make her want to scream at the bastard to shut up. Every week, he brought up the subject of the show, attempting to persuade Dumbledore to cancel the "ludicrous exhibition of painful amateurs." And of course, this just made it more exasperatingly excruciating for the rest of the staff. Finally, she had enough.  
  
"Oh just shut it, Snape. You're not making this any easier on the rest of us. Albus has sunk his teeth into this one and won't let go until he's bitten off a large chunk of our dignity."  
  
This last earned her an amused look from the headmaster. She continued anyway. "And it looks as though this is bothering you a great deal more than necessary. Afraid that your talent will destroy your image of Sarcastic Sadistic Severus Snape?" She raised her eyebrow in a perfect imitation of his. The rest of the staff started laughing at that point, breaking the tension in the room.  
  
"If the rest of you wish to make fools of yourselves, by all means, continue. I, for one, intend to fight this."  
  
"And that just makes you look more foolish. It's futile; you won't win against Albus in a battle of wills."  
  
"Don't be so sure about that, Miss Granger." With that, the potions master swept out of the room in his now-trademarked gesture.  
  
She sighed. Damn. He always needs to have the last word. And I had a good reply too. Oh well.  
  
"Well, I'm certain you all have some finishing touches to place on your entries. Good Luck." Ever polite with his thinly veiled dismissals and requests, Dumbledore exited through the door to his chambers. Minerva followed him. UGH! Hermione, girl, stop thinking like that! It was bad the first time!  
  
*****  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention please! As this talent show is quite lengthy due to the number of entries, we have extended it throughout the entire day. Your classes for today are cancelled and any work that was due is postponed until tomorrow."  
  
A collective cheer rose at the end of this speech, teachers included. Contrary to popular belief, teachers were not normally masochists. And grading papers was not fun.  
  
"The order of the show will be completely random, with the exception of one, which by unanimous vote, will be saved for last." Dumbledore smiled slightly at this. Unanimous vote of one, that is. "And our first performer is." Drum roll ".Carmen Korliff!" The young man in question, quite good looking, in fact, jumped onto the stage and stood, posing in the center. Music began to play, and several of the muggle-born students started laughing uproariously.  
  
"I'm too sexy for my love, for my love, love's going to leave me."  
  
CK took off his robes so that he was only wearing a white tank shirt and hip-hugging jeans. He started gyrating his hips in a suggestive manner in time to the beat.  
  
"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts"  
  
He tugged at his shirt and sensually pulled it over his head, revealing a broad chest with very well-defined pecs.  
  
Several of the ladies in the audience started swooning. He tossed the tangled shirt into the audience, creating a mad dash by the females to catch a thread of it. It was worse than a bride's bouquet.  
  
"And I'm too sexy for my land, too sexy for my land, New York and Japan. And I'm too sexy for your body,"  
  
Here, he came over to Hermione and the Head Table, jumped onto it and shook his body right in front of her face. Snape didn't look too happy. In fact, he looked ready to either murder the boy or retch. The second expression won when the student came over and gave the professor the same treatment, much to the amusement of everyone else in the room.  
  
"Too sexy for your body, no way I'm disco-dancing."  
  
He did a small imitation of a disco move in front of Snape, turning completely around and shaking his tightly-jeaned ass right in the professor's face. Then he returned to the stage.  
  
"I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I do my little turn on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk, I do my little turn on the catwalk."  
  
CK strutted down an imaginary catwalk, turning and posing so everyone could admire his perfect body. During the instrumental interlude, he began teasing the girls in the room by unzipping his jeans slightly, all the while continuing to move his hips.  
  
However, that's as far as he got because a disapproving Snape harshly whispered a spell and moved the music ahead to the end. Carmen was left in the middle of the stage, with his pants halfway off when the music ended.  
  
"And I'm too sexy for this song."  
  
There were plenty of disappointed cries as he stalked offstage, doing his pants back up. A wolf whistle broke through, though, and he turned around and winked at the daring girl, a short, brown haired, hazel eyed sixth year. Her dimpled grin was a mile wide and her eyes twinkled as he walked offstage. He was in for a busy night.  
  
No one really wanted to go right after that smashing performance (cut short though it was), but eventually the headmaster coaxed another person into exhibiting his 'talent'. Alas, aside from a very passionate cello player, one Ulysses Ethan Schmidt, the talent show was unremarkable. One student did Muggle sleight of hand, which was tolerable at best. Another did a very poor rendition of "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gayner, complete with cheesy choreography.  
  
However, the absolute worst was an aspiring bard who had attempted to write and, heavens help us, even sing, an original poem. It had been an intelligent move on Dumbledore's part to outlaw tomatoes from entering the room. Otherwise, the student would have become a one-man Tomatina. That was the last performer before intermission was called for a small lunch break. Every person was dreading to be next.  
Disclaimer: This is not mine. The characters, setting, and all money involved with the Potterverse belong to JKR, the brilliant mastermind. I'm just, well, borrowing them for my muses.  
  
A/N: This may become a little weird. Heck, a lot weird. To prove this, my beta reader didn't really want me posting it. Let's just say I'm trying to stay out of her way because I have a large enough collection of necklaces already and really don't need to add a knife. *grins* (Please don't be offended, Naseem) Also, I know the I'm Too Sexy song has been used before. However, I used it in a different manner. Well, I don't want to spoil things for you. Again, please read and review. I would like to know if I got a laugh or if I should go back to writing "serious" fiction. Oh and indicates thoughts. 


	2. Intermission

Disclaimer: No anti-skip on this CD player. Not mine. Hic. Not mine. Hic. Not mine.  
  
A/N: I would like to thank my reviewers for their input.  
  
Specs-88- I realized after I posted it that there were not many breaks in paragraphs. It must have been a result of the loss of format when uploading. After all, I can't get italics.  
  
(If anyone could tell me how to do so, I would be grateful)  
  
Potions Mistress- When I copied it, a word got chopped off the last paragraph. It was supposed to be "next" but I screwed it up. I did repost it, with the word inserted. As for your other question, all I can say is that I'm not entirely certain as to what the teachers will do.  
  
(I would like some ideas, if possible. Hint.)  
  
Usagisnape- Thank you for your support. It is always welcome.  
  
Spurious-nb- I will, hopefully. Glad you liked it.  
  
Fnxmoon- I suppose you'll just have to keep reading huh? *winks  
  
Marisa Raven- I know it was a bit rushed. Unfortunately, I'm not good at suspense, which is what plot is all about. Patience is not MY virtue, and I want to know how it ends too. However, I will try to add more details for you. But, keep in mind, that this is just a little ficlet for now. Plot and details will probably become secondary to just plain humor and fun.  
  
To all others who are still reading, I hope you're enjoying it so far. If not, review, and I'll try to better my writing. And now, on with the story.  
INTERMISSION Professional musicians play an entr'acte (a revision of the previous song), while everyone partakes of food and is merry. Well, nearly everyone that is.  
  
Hermione ate a light lunch and walked around the Great Hall, sipping her pumpkin juice slowly. After all, she would be performing soon and it would not be smart to have a full stomach, especially when it was already fluttering with butterflies. It had been a long time since she had last shown off her skill in public or private.  
  
I wonder what they'll think of me. Will I screw up? Will they want to throw rotten fruit at me? Will they boo until their throats are raw? Will they...  
  
Her nervous thoughts were interrupted when Remus and Sirius came up to her, eyes full of mischief. ""Hiya Hermione. Enjoying the show?" The two looked at each other and grinned wickedly.  
  
"Indeed. I had thought Albus was insane when he first proposed it, but I am already feeling more relaxed." Liar, she thought.  
  
"Really? Relaxed, hmmm? Looked rather tense to me when Mr. Korliff 'got in your face' at the front table." Sirius' eyebrow rose. The Hermione that the two rabble-rousers had known five years ago might have blushed, but instead she stood up to their game.  
  
"I thought the young man was the most 'talented' stripper I've ever seen, even though he didn't get to finish." The duo looked astonished. She smiled to herself, nerves disappearing, but kept her face completely blank and surprised them again.  
  
"What did YOU think of him?" They were the ones to turn red and stammer. Ever since Voldie's defeat, they had been welcomed back into society. The result had been a very good 'friendship' that clearly rivaled the one they'd had in school. They both benefited from the other's company; Sirius was finally able to relax without thinking that dementors lurked around every corner; and Remus had become more outgoing and full of the humor he'd had back in school. The men's relationship had been revealed only to select friends at first. However, due to a few mal-placed attentions by some aroused and randy witches, now they were a well-known couple.  
  
Sirius recovered quickly from her rejoinder and replied in kind. "Unfortunately, since he was preoccupied with you, I didn't get a close look at his.endowment. Just the 'bare' outline of it through his jeans." Sirius pretended to pout and Remus put on a good show of being offended.  
  
"There you go again, ogling and whispering over other men when I'm standing right here. You never care a whit for my feelings."  
  
"Now dear, you know that's not true. I was only teasing. I'll make it up to you tonight by." Here, Sirius leaned in and whispered ardently to Remus. Hermione was near enough to catch certain words like 'hot', 'wet', and 'close,' before Lupin realized that she was able to hear them and blushed brightly. She started laughing and reassured him.  
  
"It's nothing I haven't heard before, Remus. That is, in a different context," she decided to change the subject for her poor friend's delicate nature. "So, what did you think of that cello player?"  
  
Sirius' eyes lit up. "Oh, he was really good and quite passionate. I used to play bass in my spare time. Watching him almost made me want to pick it up again, especially the way his hands moved up and down the fingerboard. You know, he was kind of cute. I would love to 'rosin his bow.'"  
  
Sirius glanced at Remus, whose eyes had gone wide, and went on, "Hmmm, I wonder if those old practice rooms are still about. Every time I walked by, I could hear people playing. Mostly duets, though sometimes the more daring could squeeze in three or four people. From what I heard, it was a tight fit. Funny, though, that people hardly ever practiced their solos. " Apparently, Sirius was determined to keep the line of conversation, if only to embarrass his lover further. She decided to play along.  
  
"Did you used to play an instrument, Remus? If so, Sirius, Ulysses, and you could perform together as a trio. I would love to hear the 'music' produced by that."  
  
Lupin finally recovered from his apoplexy fit, caused by the fact that all his blood had been rushing to the other head; and he was determined to get his own shots in.  
  
"Yes, I did. I used to play the clarinet when I was younger. In fact, playing an instrument is required in Advanced Muggle Studies. I had nearly perfected my 'tonguing' technique when the semester ended. It's quite hard. One must know exactly how much breath to release into the instrument, and the precise pressure and movement of the tongue is very difficult to attain."  
  
Sirius choked on his pumpkin juice and Hermione wondered why. Surely he had said worse things. She understood upon hearing the cold voice beside her.  
  
"Unfortunately, Remus, it seems that during those tongue exercises, you have forgotten how to hold yours. Or had you neglected to remember that there are children about? We have already had one infringement upon their young minds today. We need not add another." With that, Snape turned and strode over to Dumbledore and began arguing heatedly with the headmaster, who looked extremely amused.  
  
"Is it just me, or is that man a prude?" Sirius joked.  
  
"I don't suppose you would happen to know what his talent is?" Remus asked Hermione.  
  
"Why would he tell me? The man doesn't give me a second glance unless it's in disgust." She winced slightly. Old wounds ached once in a while. "Besides, why would I tell you even if I did know? You two have refused to tell me what your talent is for the last three weeks!"  
  
"Oh, as if you haven't been just as reticent about your own entry? One good turn deserves another. You'll find out soon enough what our talent is."  
  
"And you, mine."  
  
With that, they walked back to their seats. The second act was about to begin. 


	3. Confessional

Readers bless me for I have sinned.  
  
I am not a funny person. Moments of inspiration and humor have at times hit me, but those times are few and far between. This story sprang from one of those rare ideas. However, I have run out of amusing things to write and thus am at a standstill. Therefore, I am appealing to my readers for ideas. I don't particularly enjoy this because it ruins some of the surprise, and it reveals my own weaknesses as an author. But I have gone many weeks now without a clue as to what to do. And, as much as I don't like crushing my readers by letting them know I'm not perfect, I hate being unable to post a lot more. I've had some great reviews for this story and I only hope that some of those reviewers have some weird talents to share with me. As always, if I decide to use a talent, the reader will be accredited and thus recorded as one of the greatest thinkers of all time. ;)  
  
However, I must ask that the advice is restricted to Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore, and McGonagall. I have already discovered Hermione's and Severus' hidden talents. Thank you for 1)reading this and 2)writing any suggestions.  
  
Wren 


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